Many believe that modern technology has brought people together, but others say it has driven us apart. Discuss both views points and give your opinion.
TASK RESPONSE.
Nowadays, people are greatly entrapped into contemporary technology, helping them enhance relationships around the world, but at the same time dwindling face-to-face communication with others. Though I partake this as a positive undertaking, the drawbacks are quite innumerable.
First off, the influx of sophisticated technology through the years has helped people get connected no matter their world locations. People can relate with others worldwide, share cultures and traditions, and learn novel ideas beyond their realm. This has not only suffocated personal boredom, but also amplified people's comprehension of the world. It is often that when people relate with others around the world, there is a new dimension of how they perceive the world and eventually change their world perspectives. In any case, sundry people will benefit in changing themselves in terms of behavior and physical enhancement.
Nevertheless, getting immersed in the virtual world has disengaged people from their immediate societies. Spending ages on cellphones and computers raptures people's time to relate with others physically, evoking a society devoid of friendship and understanding each other. It is very possible that cultural differences and world views will contradict and thus leading to on and off relationships with others. It is not easy to keep online friends as they are usually swayed by new people who contact them online compared to keeping physical friends who will be immediate physical associates in any regard.
In sum, I vehemently believe virtual relationships agnate to the increased use of modern technology are handsomely appealing, though the downsides are a colossal issue too.
Though the presentation is good, there are some serious issues to attend to. The structure is good because you developed an introduction, main body and conclusion however, you need to balance the main body paragraphs, one is far too short. The essay is well organized though. You linked the paragraphs well though within the paragraphs, the cohesion is affected by the grammar errors in some parts.
As for language usage, you still make many grammar errors. In a formal essay like this, you should never use contractions because some have more than one meaning. For example, a contractions like “it’s” can mean “it is” or “it has”, and this can confuse the reader. Mind your word choices and avoid incomprehensible clauses like “and how to conduct them” that have made the understanding of ideas hard. At some point you poorly used the articles. You should proofread your essay carefully.
The subject matter is relatively good. The introduction is good but should be more advanced. The first main paragraph has a good view though needs more explanation. The second main body paragraph needs a more clearer topic sentence. The explanation is quite good. The conclusion is good should be more advanced than this too.
In all, the grammar errors are many. The essay should have more vocabulary. Balance the main body paragraphs. The subject matter is good but the second paragraph needs more conviction. Develop a more advanced introduction and conclusion.